Taking Friends
Q: My daughter says she is being tormented at school by a girl who is "taking her friends away". It's been a long time for me since grade school... what does that mean and what can I do to help?
A: Good question! This is a fabulous opportunity for you to discuss this issue with your daughter and become closer as a result. The most important thing is what this means to your daughter and who better to ask than your daughter. You could say, "What does that look like?" "How often?" "Are there other examples?" "When that happens what do you typically do?" "How do you respond?" "What have you tried?" "What that helpful?" "What else?" Of course you don't ask her these questions all at once! Instead take her out for ice cream or go for a walk so you two can have some one on one time, then ask her a question, give her space to respond, then reflective listen--tell her what you heard her say... the content, feelings, and needs. This will help confirm understanding for both of you. Sometimes this is very therapeutic as most parents do not typically talk with their kids like this. A father of a 13 year old son tried this technique when he noticed while on a drive that his son was feeling down. He reflective listened ("You're feeling discouraged about something.") and his son burst into tears. He said he realized that he had never really listened to his son before and that reflective listening was a welcome addition to their relationship. He said he was quite and allowed his son space to cry it out, then they had a great conversation about some difficult challenges he was facing at school.
It may be that Kid A feels left out and wants to change that so s/he recreates the odd one out scenario by isolating Kid B and telling Kid B's friends things about him or her that may or may not be true but nevertheless create space... or Kid A creates space physically by inviting Kid B's friends to events or activities and intentionally leaving out Kid B. If Kid B becomes distressed, pouts, defensive, or angry, then Kid A gets attention, relief from being the odd one out, and a sense of power from having stirred things up. What Kid B has to understand and then possibly communicate to Kid A is: People have lots of friends, and friends play with each other at different times. That just because a specific person is a friend to one person, doesn't mean that person can't also be a friend to another and they'll each have their special time together. If Kid B understands this and believes it, s/he doesn't feel bad or defensive when the situation arises and s/he is not an easy target. Kid B will then simply say "I can see why you want to play with them, have a great time" and then either join in or play somewhere else.
So you can help by assisting your daughter in processing the experience and giving new meaning to the experience... a meaning that isn't at her own expense (you've got to try harder to keep your friends)... or at the expense of others (that girl is just a bully). Your daughter can see it for what it is, a desperate attempt by another to create special friendships. She may even want to intentionally include the other girl as much as possible in her own social activities. Who knows? She may even make another good friend out of the experience!